Does anyone know what this is? Well, of course, those who have had children in the last 20 years or so probably recognize it right away. It's the ultrasound picture of a baby that is 8 weeks along. Unfortunately, since it's scanned, the picture doesn't do it justice. But if you were at the doctor's office during this ultrasound (Monday, July 23rd at 4pm to be exact), you would have seen this tiny baby (only 17mm long) MOVING around and it's precious little heart just beating like crazy.
The last two years have brought my husband & I much joy and also much heartache. You see, we have been open to life and with that, life has come and life has gone. From a very traumatic miscarriage that resulted in my being rushed to the hospital for an emergency D&C, to 3 very small, unknown to anyone but us, missed miscarriages, where I tested positive for a pregnancy, but only to miscarry a week later.
As I laid there and prepared for the ultrasound (which Joy Bayer would say was TOO INVASIVE for women to endure-gimme a break-now there's a crazier red head than me) I was literally shaking like a leaf. I had known I was pregnant for almost 4 weeks and I was an absolute basket case. What if the nausea just indicated I was sick with some unknown illness? What if there was another lifeless baby inside of me with no heartbeat? What if there was just a pull with a start of a yolk sack? What if, God forbid, the baby is alive, but it's in my fallopian tubes?
Believe me, I'm no doctor, but I know pretty much every scenario this little guy could possibly have been. The doctor began the trans vaginal ultrasound and my husband held my hands. I held my breath. We waited as he found my uterus and we saw the tiny form of a baby. I searched frantically, of course not breathing, to find the one thing that would seal the deal and allow me to finally breathe.
Finally, with what felt like minutes, but was truly just seconds, I (and my doctor) found the heartbeat at the same time. My poor husband, although has been through a total of 7 of these very early ultrasounds, still can not see it until it's pointed out!) I cried out, "the heartbeat!" I had tears in my eyes, and I could feel the weeks of tension slowly melt away. There in front of us was a living human being with a heart beat that indicated what so many people struggle with in regards to early life-this living being is ALIVE! Whether you believe it's a blob of tissues (with a heartbeat, mind you) or not, this is an actual living being. A HUMAN being.
We waited a few minutes, because the doctor said we might even see the baby move. I really didn't care at that moment if it moved, did a jig, or turned a cartwheel. I had seen the heartbeat and anything after that was icing on the cake. So we waited and suddenly, the doctor and I both gasped (I just love my doctor!)and both said, "Did you see that?" We had seen the baby move it's arm. It was yet another miracle for me and my husband to both witness. At that point, the tears just began to slip down without any control or care. I just could not believe that we were blessed again with a life. We don't deserve this life anymore than anyone else does, but we are blessed yet again.
I thought by seeing this ultrasound I would continue to have peace and not worry, but each day after, I would question, "am I sick enough? Am I still bloated? Do I feel too good?" I asked my husband one day, "When will I stop worrying?" He gave me one simple answer.
"When you start trusting God."
Wow. My husband is awesome, and if you don't know him, you're missing out, because this guy is really an amazing follower of Christ. He really tries to live out his faith daily. I prayed for him for years to want to be a part of the Church and now I pray that I can have just a fraction of his faith. But those words really hit home. Because who am I to sit and beg God to let this child live? God has seen fit to bless us with a child and I should trust Him. No where is it written (or even taught, except by our "never be sad or lonely, life should be perfect culture") that life is 1)fair, or 2) guaranteed!
Who am I to think that God would extend my child's life one day just because I think He should? Are my children in Heaven any less because I did not get to hold them or nurse them or watch them grow up?
Aren't we certain (with faith & scripture!) that there is something better, more wonderful than life here on earth? Are we not charged to help our spouses and children get to Heaven? Then how could i be so selfish for one instant to beg God to keep my child with me and not with Him?
Of course, the selfishness in us is what causes it. We can't quite grasp that Heaven is better (and God is more equipped) to take care of us than ourselves! We struggle to believe at times that there really does exist a place we will all be offered when we die. I do at least. I don't know many people that really sit there and just firmly say, "I'm ready for Heaven-come on Lord-take me now." Without a tad bit of reservation about what is on the other side.
I know in my heart Heaven is real. I have had experiences in my life that have proven that over and over and some of these experiences have even involved some of the babies I've lost. But I must work yet again, on my unconditional surrender to the things I have no control over! One day I will realize it's a lifelong process.
So you have my soap box and our amazing news.
Yes, I'm well aware of how this happened, and yes, it was done quite on purpose. My hip? Who knows. God has a plan for that too. It's perfectly fine right now and I'll take very good care of myself.
No, I am not trying to keep up with the Duggars, I'll be 40 when this child is born, you do the math. I'm pretty sure, unless God blesses us with triplets, septuplets, or quadruplets a few times, I'll still be quite behind them.
But I am excited for the journey God has us on and open to whatever He lays before us. Whether it be joy filled moments, or heartbreaking moments. We'll carry on with faith and trust. & Hope.
God bless you and please pray for us.
