Trustful Surrender...

This might be one of my more serious blogs.  I don't usually publish personal information about myself to the global world for all to see, but this one is hopefully a story that others can connect with, too.

I titled it, "Trustful Surrender" because I don't have that yet.  I surrender to God sometimes, but I sure don't trust Him all the time.  And I'm willing to bet, there are more out there that feel the way I do than not.

There are a lot of squirrels going on in my life.  One of my BFF's (I giggle as I type that cause it's so juvenile and that makes me giggle even more because her and I ARE so juvenile when we're together...this is my Casting Crowns and Matthew West groupie sister...) Anyway, one of my BFF's and I always talk about the Squirrels in our life.  Have you ever see the movie,  Up?  The dogs are talking and all of the sudden, "Squirrel."  A squirrel literally distracts them. 

Kinda like the fact that I'm totally getting off my blog title by describing squirrels to you right now...

There is a sugar pot load of things going on in my life right now.  Just to name a few-hubby gone for 9 days, the surgery for my hip was scheduled May 2nd (more on that in a sec), praying about trying for another baby, searching with great desire to find a spiritual director to give me some spiritual direction, and just trying to follow the will of God with my own family and where He wants us to be.

A big issue is my hip.  My hip was injured back in January, right after I had my third miscarriage in 9 months.  I don't think any of my family knows I have had 3, so SURPRISE!  It was very painful after the first one last April and I had miscarried at home and then wound up hemorrhaging and getting rushed to the hospital to have an emergency D&C because my body was having a hard time giving up the baby (funny isn't it?  I didn't mentally want to lose this baby and neither did my body.) So the following two that occurred in August and January were kept on the down low to just very close, personal friends who were there with us through all of it.  And I'll admit it, to those who understand our desire for more children. 

So the hip injury, the miscarriage, all within a week of each other, left me feeling a tad despondent. I didn't know God's plan, but I also felt I couldn't handle it. 

The results of all the hip appointments left me with a hip injection and surgery scheduled and the planning of another baby on the back burner until end of summer/early fall at the earliest, maybe later depending on recovery.

I was ok with that.  I am only 39, I know people who are MUCH OLDER who have had children and done really well and I thought to myself, "ok, Lord, this is just another bump on the highway of life, we can do this, and be back at the baby making process once again."  I will admit, the baby making process is pretty darn fun...  sorry, TMI, I know...

Well, about a week ago, I had blood work done to go along with my complete physical next week to be cleared for this pretty intense surgery. 

I had at least 10 tests done, because 10 GIANT JARS (or tiny vials) of blood were filled. 

I did not do so well on one of them.  I tested positive for an anti-double stranded DNA.  Now, from what I have gathered from talking with my OBGYN from back home (LOVE HIM!) to talking with the PA at my hip surgeon's office, testing positive means I could have a form of Lupus.  Which is an auto-immune disease that women are more likely to get between the child bearing ages 18-45. 

My OBGYN said that there are a lot of people walking around with double stranded DNA, and they don't have lupus, but my PA said, the hip surgeon did not want to do the surgery at all until we ruled out any kind of anti-inflammatory/immune diseases/issues because it would change what he needed to do for the arthritis.  If it was a form of Lupus-cleaning up the arthritis could just make my hip worse, where as if it wasn't lupus, it would help more. 

Medicine helps Lupus more than anything from what I've read. 

So now, Thursday I see the doctor who will do my physical and decide if she wants me to retake the blood test, or just go ahead and send me to the rheumatologist.  The hip issue is on hold until we take care of this test result.

Which also means the baby making process is on hold until we take care of this test result and then my hip.  Yet postponing to who knows when.

This is all very disheartening as I realize that 1)maybe we will not be able to have any more children and 2) I am having a hard time trustfully surrendering to accept all of this.  It's a tad overwhelming.  Like being on an emotional roller coaster. 

God is in charge.  And He speaks to us everyday, multiple times a day.  I'm very serious.  If we were to really quiet our hearts and listen, meaning turning off ALL SOUNDS, really becoming in tune with our prayer to Him, He really does speak to us.  Maybe not in an audible voice, but He speaks to us in our hearts.  Our hearts can give us the answer we are seeking.  Especially when we go to Mass and receive the Eucharist.  Which I have tried to do several times this week because I've been a little out of whack with my hubby being gone.

So today was no different.  I went to Mass (I'm indebted to my BFF for watching my obstinate little 3 year old princess) and I got so much out of it.  We have a really great 'new' priest, I say new because he's older than me (ok, only a year older)but has only been a priest for a year in a half.  He's hysterical and my kids love him and my husband loves him, he's just a great witness to the faith.  Anyway, this priest was offering this Mass at noon and his homily nearly knocked me out of my pew. 

I'm not kidding.  He was talking about quotes and how much he loves quotes and he was doing an Iron man and was wondering how on earth he was going to finish it.  It's intense-and he thought he couldn't do it.  He said, "I can't."

A friend of his sent him an email that said, 'Instead of I can't, say, How can I?'  How can I do this for you Lord?  Show me how I can do this.  Because I know I can.  I know I can do this.  I know that God will take care of me and my wonderful amazing husband and all my children, the 5 here and the 4 in Heaven waiting to greet us, and He will take care of my desires for another child. 

Maybe there is a baby waiting to be adopted.  Maybe there is a woman who wants to give up her child and God will put her in our path.  Maybe there is a surrender I must go through to understand His greater purpose...

Trustful surrender.  I must not just surrender and say, "Ok, Lord.  I give up.  I don't know what you want, and I don't think I can do it, but I'm just going to surrender."  Meaning, I'm just giving up.  That's not what God means by trustful surrender.

It's more than that.  It's surrendering, but it's not giving up.  It's saying, Lord-I'm gonna ease over to the passenger seat now and let you take the wheel for a while.  I'm going to make the best of where we go, seeing all the sights as you drive me around and taking in all the beauty instead of what I think should be happening, being negative and missing out on something I may have never thought about.

It's saying, "Jesus, I Trust in You."  Over and over, and over and over and over again. Saying it a million times a day until you believe it.  Jesus, I believe, help my unbelief. 

God never inspired anyone to write about how wonderful, happy go lucky, thrilled, exciting, super duper awesome great life would be.  Matter of fact, if you read the bible, you'll discover that life is sometimes going to just plain suck.  It will be hard, people will turn against you, the world will hate you, family will leave you, people will die and you might have to endure, matter of fact, no might about it, you WILL have to endure suffering. 

But we can endure those sufferings with a new eye.  In the passenger seat, you always get to see a lot more anyway then when you drive, right?  That's what I'm talking about.  Even though there is a ton of suffering, not just in your own life at times, but you gotta admit, there is a lot of suffering all around us, and we know people who have had to deal with far worse things than us and yet, there is something about them, that inspires us to want what they have.  They have some sort of peace, they aren't taking anti-depressants, or popping anxiety pills, or drinking, doing drugs, to cope with what life throws them.

God just might be huge in their hearts.  Maybe they don't even realize how much of a presence God has in their lives...Maybe they do.  But they have surrendered to His greater glory. He is in charge of their lives.

Maybe we should just slide over into the passenger seat for a while.  I know I need to.  I need to trustfully surrender.  It all.  To my Lord.  He won't mind driving the rest of the way home...

God bless you.  Today & always.