In a Desert...

I am writing today about something that has been heavy on my heart for many months now.  So much so that I've been actively seeking someone (I prefer a priest at this point) to seek direction from.  I'm speaking of spiritual dryness.  I feel as though I'm wondering in the desert.  Maybe you've been there.  I believe this isn't my first trip there.  I know we go through periods of spiritual dryness where we feel as though our prayer lives are lacking, God is no where to be found, we feel lost and confused as to where God wants us. 

I feel that right now very powerfully.  Sometimes I feel God places us in these situations, where we feel as though there is no where else to turn, in order to cleanse us, spiritually speaking.  But this feeling of wondering in a desert has terrible side effects.  I am grouchier (than normal) to my husband.  My parenting skills get a little shabby and I even begin to almost feel despair. 

Despair is not having hope and as Christians, we must always strive for hope.  God will not abandon us, but shoot-right now-I feel like He told me to hang on and He'd be right back and I'm just sitting here waiting on Him. 

It's the opposite though.  I think I've drifted off course.  I think I've let the light dim and I've lost the way.  I believe with my whole heart that He is there waiting with arms stretched out waiting for me to return from this abyss I feel I'm sinking in.

Sometimes I can get caught up in the "me" of who I am and who God created me to be.  I can get very self absorbed and only see what is right in front of the mirror.  Me.  I can let difficult times lead me in that direction.  I struggle with this, as I'm sure many of us do from time to time.  Whoa is me.  This is so hard for me.  Why is God doing this to me?  Why won't God answer me...  And so on and so on.  It can get down right pathetic.

But this has been a rather ridiculous year in the struggle department and I have truly sought to seek only God's way in all of it.  I have fallen a bit, but have been lifted up by various people God has placed in my life in just the right times.  I have found that if I give myself completely to God, I feel His presence in a much greater sense. 

But the last few months I have found myself struggling in my prayer life.  I can almost pinpoint the time I began to drift.  I began to question where God wanted me and suddenly became very worried that I wasn't doing His will.  I was doing Amy's will.  (which I try to do often).  I panicked and therefore set the ball in motion on a spiral down hill very fast and that is where I am today.

It's funny how I've prayed for someone to speak to and every time I think God is leading in one direction, the door closes.  I guess that's not "funny," but definitely me trying to surrender to God's plan.  I have such a hard time surrendering that I believe this is a part of what He wants from me.  Total surrender.  I thought I had surrendered to Him when my hip issues started up and perhaps I did to an extent.  I certainly surrendered physically, but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?  I don't think God causes bad things to happen, but I do believe He sets the bar very high when you let Him into your life.  Completely. 

I have always struggled with being in control. I am a type A personality first born who does not like to lose any control over anything in my life and perhaps now more then ever that I am trying to surrender completely, He is purging those desires of my heart to be in control.  It is HARD.  I have my own desires and wants and the very selfish, controlling part of me begins to think that perhaps God doesn't love me because my wants and desires are not important to Him.  Which is silly because He loves me and of course things I would like and desire are important to Him but maybe they are just not what I need right now. 

That is where I struggle.  Letting myself believe God loves me even though things don't seem to going how "I" envisioned them. 

So where do I go from here?  Where does God want me to be?  I have no idea.  I will keep praying for that person God wants in my life to help me discern.  I will keep praying even though I feel like my prayers are empty right now.  I will keep going on because no where in the bible did God say it was going to be easy to do the right thing. 

I will keep wondering in the desert until I find God again.  He's there, I just have to keep walking.