January 2013?

Was September really the last time I blogged?  Good grief.  And I sometimes scold my children for not continuing what they start.  Humble pie is being consumed as we speak.

I am SO behind my blog.  I think the pregnancy hormones along with the very depressing election, just sucked the life out of me and my desire to blog for a while.  So with that said, 2013 is a new year!  Going for gold this year!  I have 8 weeks left in this pregnancy and with that, I hope to make it a very blogfilled year.  Plus, I've read so many amazing blogs by some pretty amazing Catholic moms, that I feel inspired!!!

So here's to another year, another start to my blog and another attempt at completing the next 12 months with at least ONE blog per month.  (hey-I gotta set my sights fairly low...)

Surprises come in small packages!!!

Does anyone know what this is?  Well, of course, those who have had children in the last 20 years or so probably recognize it right away.  It's the ultrasound picture of a baby that is 8 weeks along.  Unfortunately, since it's scanned, the picture doesn't do it justice.  But if you were at the doctor's office during this ultrasound (Monday, July 23rd at 4pm to be exact), you would have seen this tiny baby (only 17mm long) MOVING around and it's precious little heart just beating like crazy.

The last two years have brought my husband & I much joy and also much heartache.  You see, we have been open to life and with that, life has come and life has gone.  From a  very traumatic miscarriage that resulted in my being rushed to the hospital for an emergency D&C, to 3 very small, unknown to anyone but us, missed miscarriages, where I tested positive for a pregnancy, but only to miscarry a week later. 

As I laid there and prepared for the ultrasound (which Joy Bayer would say was TOO INVASIVE for women to endure-gimme a break-now there's a crazier red head than me) I was literally shaking like a leaf.  I had known I was pregnant for almost 4 weeks and I was an absolute basket case.  What if the nausea just indicated I was sick with some unknown illness?  What if there was another lifeless baby inside of me with no heartbeat?  What if there was just a pull with a start of a yolk sack?  What if, God forbid, the baby is alive, but it's in my fallopian tubes?

 Believe me, I'm no doctor, but I know pretty much every scenario this little guy could possibly have been.  The doctor began the trans vaginal ultrasound and my husband held my hands.  I held my breath.  We waited as he found my uterus and we saw the tiny form of a baby.  I searched frantically, of course not breathing, to find the one thing that would seal the deal and allow me to finally breathe. 

Finally, with what felt like minutes, but was truly just seconds, I (and my doctor) found the heartbeat at the same time.  My poor husband, although has been through a total of 7 of these very early ultrasounds, still can not see it until it's pointed out!)  I cried out, "the heartbeat!"  I had tears in my eyes, and I could feel the weeks of tension slowly melt away.  There in front of us was a living human being with a heart beat that indicated what so many people struggle with in regards to early life-this living being is ALIVE!  Whether you believe it's a blob of tissues (with a heartbeat, mind you) or not, this is an actual living being.   A HUMAN being. 

We waited a few minutes, because the doctor said we might even see the baby move.  I really didn't care at that moment if it moved, did a jig, or turned a cartwheel.  I had seen the heartbeat and anything after that was icing on the cake.  So we waited and suddenly, the doctor and I both gasped (I just love my doctor!)and both said, "Did you see that?"  We had seen the baby move it's arm.  It was yet another miracle for me and my husband to both witness.  At that point, the tears just began to slip down without any control or care.  I just could not believe that we were blessed again with a life.  We don't deserve this life anymore than anyone else does, but we are blessed yet again. 

I thought by seeing this ultrasound I would continue to have peace and not worry, but each day after, I would question, "am I sick enough? Am I still bloated?  Do I feel too good?"  I asked my husband one day, "When will I stop worrying?"  He gave me one simple answer.

"When you start trusting God."

Wow.  My husband is awesome, and if you don't know him, you're missing out, because this guy is really an amazing follower of Christ.  He really tries to live out his faith daily.  I prayed for him for years to want to be a part of the Church and now I pray that I can have just a fraction of his faith.  But those words really hit home.  Because who am I to sit and beg God to let this child live?  God has seen fit to bless us with a child and I should trust Him.  No where is it written (or even taught, except by our "never be sad or lonely, life should be perfect culture") that life is 1)fair, or 2) guaranteed!

Who am I to think that God would extend my child's life one day just because I think He should?  Are my children in Heaven any less because I did not get to hold them or nurse them or watch them grow up? 

Aren't we certain (with faith & scripture!) that there is something better, more wonderful than life here on earth?  Are we not charged to help our spouses and children get to Heaven?   Then how could i be so selfish for one instant to beg God to keep my child with me and not with Him?

Of course, the selfishness in us is what causes it.  We can't quite grasp that Heaven is better (and God is more equipped) to take care of us than ourselves!  We struggle to believe at times that there really does exist a place we will all be offered when we die.  I do at least.  I don't know many people that really sit there and just firmly say, "I'm ready for Heaven-come on Lord-take me now."  Without a tad bit of reservation about what is on the other side. 

I know in my heart Heaven is real.  I have had experiences in my life that have proven that over and over and some of these experiences have even involved some of the babies I've lost.  But I must work yet again, on my unconditional surrender to the things I have no control over!  One day I will realize it's a lifelong process.

So you have my soap box and our amazing news. 

Yes, I'm well aware of how this happened, and yes, it was done quite on purpose.  My hip?  Who knows. God has a plan for that too.  It's perfectly fine right now and I'll take very good care of myself. 

No, I am not trying to keep up with the Duggars, I'll be 40 when this child is born, you do the math.  I'm pretty sure, unless God blesses us with triplets, septuplets, or quadruplets a few times, I'll still be quite behind them.


But I am excited for the journey God has us on and open to whatever He lays before us.  Whether it be joy filled moments, or heartbreaking moments.  We'll carry on with faith and trust.  & Hope.

God bless you and please pray for us.

The Completed Project!

Three of my goofy girls hammin up the new play set.

My two spider monkeys.

ME & Gi.  Lovin' their new play set.

The girls having fun.

Well, this is it!  The massive play set.  I told you it was enormous.  And they all fit in the tower.  Now that is impressive.

Seagull Entertainment...

My four daughters get along very well most of the time.  Tonight was definitely one of those such moments and I swear, if I hadn't been so exhausted, and nearly asleep as I sat so comfortably in my chairs outside, I would have run in to get the video camera to prove some things you just can't explain...

My husband, as you will recall, is building a very cool, very monstrous play set for the kids.  Well, at least the younger ones, but the funny thing is, the 12 and 10 year old have been climbing all over it, too.  (like I said, it's monstrous)

So today, no different.  He was installing the monkey swing bars (I'll have to post a pic sometime, because I just can't describe what monkey swing bars are at the moment) and the two smaller kiddos were eating a snack on the deck of the tower.  LOVE THE TOWER!!

Of course, in true 3 year old fashion, most of the chips wound up on the ground.  Then the two younger ones brought their lunch out to eat on the tower.  Crackers & cheese.  Well, once more, crackers sprinkled the ground below the deck.

Well tonight, while we ate at the picnic table, a HUGE flock of sea gulls began to fly in circles above the tower where of course, the two younger girls and the "big" sister sat eating.  Of course, the eldest daughter had total composure as she attempted to shoe the nasty birds away.  She actually began to cry at one point yelling for me to help them.  I tried to stop myself from laughing and be completely serious, but it was rather hysterical to see them yelling at the birds.  Once they realized the birds were afraid of them, it became quite a game.

The oldest began to caw at them attempting to sound just like them.  The younger 3 were trying the same, but didn't quite sound as realistic as the oldest.  Before we knew it, there were about 25 of these nasty birds flying around.  I suggested they hide from the birds and that started a very funny, and entertaining 1/2 hour of crazy.

The girls hid behind the evergreen trees and waited ever so patiently for the birds to land.  Then they would take off screeching like birds and yelling for the sea gulls to stay away.  I'm certain, once again, the neighbors were conversing.  Only this time, it was pure pity at my girls and their bizarre bird behavior.  I just sat there in amazement that an activity could keep their attention for such a long period of time.

They did gradually get bored with it and the seagulls either got tired of being tortured or found another unsuspecting home to invade with their nastiness...

Either way, I got a good dose of entertainment that lifted my spirits rather high... ;)

Playground builders...

Today I crossed something off my to-do list that I didn't even realize was there.  I learned how to use a drill and some other kind of electronic tool that drills the screws into the hole I drilled.  You can tell how skilled I was, since I can't even remember the names of the tools I used. I was thoroughly impressed with myself, although my husband kept spouting something about stripping the screws if I didn't bare down harder, or something like that.  He's so grouchy at times.

So what are we building you ask?  I will tell you!  We have taken on the enormous task of building a swing set, complete with rock climbing wall, slide, monkey bars and tower.  And when I say playground, I mean a monstrous contraption that puts park play sets to shame.  Oh yes, we're those parents this time... 

Seriously, when we went to 84 Lumber to buy the set, I was slightly concerned that we needed to make sure our children would fit on the swing set.  My children are huge.  I mean, to give you an idea of how huge they are, my 6 year old at her physical a few months ago was the size of a 9 year old on the height chart.  We noticed how tall the "tower" was, and determined that little ME who is 3, would be the only one who would be able to get up, let alone stand, in the tower. 

My hubby and I decided to order two extra feet on the posts for the tower.  Well, we might have thought a little too big, because I can stand comfortably in the tower now and I'm almost 6 feet tall. My hubby who is almost 6'2" could fit comfortably if he weren't afraid of tipping it over. Yea, we might have bitten off more than we can chew.  So now, the tower can be used to help planes land at the Lancaster airport.  It's so tall-I'm CERTAIN my neighbors will again make us the topic of dinner conversations once more.

Here is how those conversations might go:

"Well, those rednecks from the south are at it again."

"Good lord, Mildred, did you see that eyesore they're building over there?"

"My heavens, those people don't do anything small do they?  5 kids, and now a swing set contraption that an army could fit on?  Seriously."

Well, that might be the mild version, I'm certain until we either downsize once our kids move out, or my hubby gets transferred again, we'll be the topic of many a dinner conversation...  I'm ok with that.

The priest at my church once said most of the saints in our Church were crazy, so maybe I'm just creating saintly moments...  ;)

So we have almost completed the tower. It was fun work.  I am exhausted, and at 9pm we cleaned everything up, (it was still light outside! SO AWESOME!!) And my 9 year old came out and reminded me I promised to fill a million water balloons for school tomorrow. 

Well, darn it.  See, maybe I do things on too big a scale. I forgot all about those million water balloons.  So that's what I'm putting off now.  They are taunting me over by the sink as I completely avoid my motherly duty of filling them....

I'll be sure to post some pictures soon of our monstrous play set.  You will be awed & amazed.... I'm sure of it.  No pictures of water balloons, although since I did the same thing for my 10 year old 2 years ago, I will say you can visualize about 20 of the water balloons popping and spewing water all over me as I fill them. 

Entertaining as always here...

Pig Pen & First Base...

My DH is out of town this evening and tomorrow.  He's out catching bad guys.  Fortunately there was only one activity this evening and that was my son's baseball game, which, I'm sure if I had been paying better attention, would have been very entertaining.  The few times I looked up from the book I was trying to read, I did manage to catch my son doing several "entertaining" things.  We'll call them entertaining because I'm certain to other parents they were because they were probably chuckling and saying, "thank God that's not my son."

Don't get me wrong, I adore my son.  He is my only son here.  But sometimes I look at that boy and I think to myself- "There is NO WAY you came from me. Or your father, for that matter." 
Fortunately for me, though, I kept my nose in a book I was trying to read.  Which made me feel altogether crazy in another way because I am trying to learn more about certain saints in the Church and reading some of these books about them is enough to make me think I have the IQ of a squirrel.  Literally.

The book is called, "My Vocation is Love, St. Therese's Way to Total Trust" by Jean Lafrance.  It may as well be called, "An Intro to Astro-physics" because there is in no way any learning about St. Therese going on in my little world. 

I know what you're thinking.  Seriously, Amy.  You're at a baseball game with two of your daughters running around like mad, and your son who is at first base either shifting his cup around like it's a toy in his pants, or running around in circles stirring up so much dust he's making pig pen look clean.  Go figure-are you really going to be able to sit in that environment and "learn" anything you try to read?

Well, in my world, I say a stubborn yes. 

But it's no.  I did enjoy reading snip-its of her work and one day I will own her work myself.  But alas, the game did keep my intellect at bay.  (not that I don't have an intellect, right?)

The game was very long, very tedious, and certainly very entertaining at best.  Why is it, my son, who is probably one of the oldest on the team (most parents play their children up a league-ha-we're the opposite, we play our children down a league)is the one who is acting like the youngest?  If you didn't know he was 10 almost 11, you would think he was a third grader who definitely didn't pass a few years.  Affectionately we'll refer to him as "Binky Barnes."  You know the character on Arthur?  Yes, he's huge!  Well, my son is not huge for a fifth grader, but since he's acting like a third grader, he's huge.

The cup shift pig pen dance was just one act on the list of the highly entertaining things he did this evening.  There was also the ever presence of the three year old running around whom he kept trying to yell hi to.  I was almost tempted to go tell his coach that he has special needs.  I don't mean handicap, but sometimes I think there is something not right in his head!  Seriously-talk about ADD-  How can you have ADD playing baseball, but sit for 4 hours straight building Lego buildings, cities and other structures? 

Once he stopped trying to get his three year old sister's attention, he moved onto to bigger and better things.  Someone apparently (or so I hope) had sunflower seeds in the dugout.  Now, you know boys.  They're not just going to put some sunflower seeds in their mouth, right?  Noooooo.  Why?  Because it's much cooler and definitely a lot more fun to try and toss the sunflower seeds as high into the air as humanly possible and catch them with your mouth, that's why!  And of course, my son takes it to the inth degree, he will top everyone.  I just sat horrified as I watched this play before my eyes. 

Why watch and cheer your team on when you can act like the team clown and toss sunflower seeds by the DOZEN up in the air and try to catch them all???? Don't answer that.  It's rhetorical.

I know I might sound a tad irritated, I'm not really.  And to be honest, by the time the game was over, I completely forgot about his little antics on the ball field.  Mostly because the prayer I had been praying since before the game started was coming true.  You know the one,  "Lord, please let there be flash flooding so the game will be cancelled."  Yea, it happened just as the game ended.

Be careful what you pray for....and write those crazy things down your kids do, because one day, you'll be trying to recall what silly things they used to do to make you laugh, and you'll want to remember...

In a Desert...

I am writing today about something that has been heavy on my heart for many months now.  So much so that I've been actively seeking someone (I prefer a priest at this point) to seek direction from.  I'm speaking of spiritual dryness.  I feel as though I'm wondering in the desert.  Maybe you've been there.  I believe this isn't my first trip there.  I know we go through periods of spiritual dryness where we feel as though our prayer lives are lacking, God is no where to be found, we feel lost and confused as to where God wants us. 

I feel that right now very powerfully.  Sometimes I feel God places us in these situations, where we feel as though there is no where else to turn, in order to cleanse us, spiritually speaking.  But this feeling of wondering in a desert has terrible side effects.  I am grouchier (than normal) to my husband.  My parenting skills get a little shabby and I even begin to almost feel despair. 

Despair is not having hope and as Christians, we must always strive for hope.  God will not abandon us, but shoot-right now-I feel like He told me to hang on and He'd be right back and I'm just sitting here waiting on Him. 

It's the opposite though.  I think I've drifted off course.  I think I've let the light dim and I've lost the way.  I believe with my whole heart that He is there waiting with arms stretched out waiting for me to return from this abyss I feel I'm sinking in.

Sometimes I can get caught up in the "me" of who I am and who God created me to be.  I can get very self absorbed and only see what is right in front of the mirror.  Me.  I can let difficult times lead me in that direction.  I struggle with this, as I'm sure many of us do from time to time.  Whoa is me.  This is so hard for me.  Why is God doing this to me?  Why won't God answer me...  And so on and so on.  It can get down right pathetic.

But this has been a rather ridiculous year in the struggle department and I have truly sought to seek only God's way in all of it.  I have fallen a bit, but have been lifted up by various people God has placed in my life in just the right times.  I have found that if I give myself completely to God, I feel His presence in a much greater sense. 

But the last few months I have found myself struggling in my prayer life.  I can almost pinpoint the time I began to drift.  I began to question where God wanted me and suddenly became very worried that I wasn't doing His will.  I was doing Amy's will.  (which I try to do often).  I panicked and therefore set the ball in motion on a spiral down hill very fast and that is where I am today.

It's funny how I've prayed for someone to speak to and every time I think God is leading in one direction, the door closes.  I guess that's not "funny," but definitely me trying to surrender to God's plan.  I have such a hard time surrendering that I believe this is a part of what He wants from me.  Total surrender.  I thought I had surrendered to Him when my hip issues started up and perhaps I did to an extent.  I certainly surrendered physically, but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?  I don't think God causes bad things to happen, but I do believe He sets the bar very high when you let Him into your life.  Completely. 

I have always struggled with being in control. I am a type A personality first born who does not like to lose any control over anything in my life and perhaps now more then ever that I am trying to surrender completely, He is purging those desires of my heart to be in control.  It is HARD.  I have my own desires and wants and the very selfish, controlling part of me begins to think that perhaps God doesn't love me because my wants and desires are not important to Him.  Which is silly because He loves me and of course things I would like and desire are important to Him but maybe they are just not what I need right now. 

That is where I struggle.  Letting myself believe God loves me even though things don't seem to going how "I" envisioned them. 

So where do I go from here?  Where does God want me to be?  I have no idea.  I will keep praying for that person God wants in my life to help me discern.  I will keep praying even though I feel like my prayers are empty right now.  I will keep going on because no where in the bible did God say it was going to be easy to do the right thing. 

I will keep wondering in the desert until I find God again.  He's there, I just have to keep walking.